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Why You Don’t Want To Read A Sob Story From A Portland Trail Blazers Fan Right Now
Greetings! P_F_P here, taking a break from my regularly scheduled posting/campaigning for the 2016 election over at Dodgers Digest to give you a basketball update from the Pacific Northwest. Now, as usual, the Seattle Supersonics are a force to be HAHAHAHA LOL oh man got you got there, aging grungeheads. Of course, this update is regarding the Trail Blazers of Portland, Oregon, who despite several disappointing, furniture-overturning losses in recent weeks, are still a healthy 35-14 on the season (as of February 7) and in the driver’s seat to grab their first playoff spot since Brandon Roy had his own ligaments in his knee. Or since Greg Oden still had the potential to be an All-Star. Or since the front office wasn’t engaged in an annual game of musical fucking chairs that always ended with a really good GM being shown the door. Sigh.
Wait wait wait…”sigh”? What is this bullshit, you’re likely saying out loud to an inanimate computer screen? The title of this article wasn’t a lie? I actually have to feel bad for the Blazers for a few minutes, when I’m currently a fan of the Hawks/Raptors/Wizards/Bobcats/Nets/Knicks/Cavs/Bucks/Clips/Warriors/Suns/Nugs/Wolves/Hornets/Kings? (Don’t even fucking think about including yourself in that group, Laker fans. Oh, two injury-plagued seasons and a moronic front office getting you down? Go cry into your five commemorative championship sweatshirts of the Kobe era and let us manic-depressive NBA fans be manic-depressive together.)
The more I think about it, it is kind of a dick move for me to be writing this article. I mean, I just named about ten franchises in the NBA alone who have a bigger gripe than the Blazers, and there’s dozens more pro teams that fit that description as well. Plus, [retracted comment about there being many more important things to worry about than sports]. So, fuck it. I’m switching directions mid-article and making an argument about why you don’t want to read another Blazer fan’s sob story. The reasons, as follows:
- Damian Lillard! 20.6 points, 5.7 assists, and that honestly-kind-of-stupid-considering-how-many-deep-ones-he-takes .405 three-point percentage, the kind of stat line that only a nitpicker annoyed with DL’s olẽ style of defense could take issue with. And how ‘bout him getting picked for all five skills competitions at NBA All-Star Weekend! He’ll be awesome and praiseworthy and almost definitely won’t get hurt! Great news for Blazer fans.
- LA! Through 49 games, the best season yet for Portland’s favorite adopted son: 24.1 PPG and 11.6 RPG easily eclipse his career highs in those categories, and I will gladly ignore that it’s primarily because he’s taking a ton of shots (21.0, also easily his career high). There’s absolutely no reason to be at all worried about LaMarcus, even though he hasn’t gotten one iota better at defense, rebounding, or protecting the rim since arguably his sophomore season. LA FTW!
- 18-11 against the Western Conference, bitches! (Used to be much, much better earlier in the season…but so what!)
- 35-14! Thirty-five and fucking fourteen! (Ugh, STOP sighing and telling me it was 22-4 before a nasty 4-5 stretch with losses to Philly and Sacramento, and then 31-9 before a nasty 4-5 stretch that included a loss to Washington [Washington, sheesh]. The team is playing better than ever and definitely doesn’t need to add anyone at the trade deadline. Because good news, they probably won’t!)
- Only 36 straight seasons without a title, and only 21 without reaching the NBA Finals. AT LEAST WE’VE WON ONE/GOTTEN THERE, NUMEROUS OTHER NBA FRANCHISES.
So that’s basically it. Six solid reasons not to feel sorry for Blazer fans, or the Blazers, in any way, shape, or form. See you in fall 2015 when we will absolutely definitely be the defending NBA Champions (note: this message has been partially recycled from 1992, 2000, and 2010).